Lindsay Lohan Dies and is Dead

Academy Moment

The Lohan is in the news again, thanks to the memorable performance in her latest blockbuster film.

Nah, just kidding. She gets into movies, but it’s more often than not some sort of publicity stunt as in 2010’s Machete. The Lohan is more likely to end up on someone’s Celebrity Death Pool than in any film of note.

Although the few film roles she does get provide a steady stream of income. And that’s good. Because alcohol and dope does not come cheap, and one does not wish to resort to whoring oneself for a high.

Not a whore

No, one does not want to resort to whoring oneself.

So it's not film that brings us here. The Lohan is newsworthy because she’s stumbling around LA with rotten brown teeth and hands stained by nail polish and blood from the innocents who died to bring her her dope.

So let’s pucker and smooch those kissable lips. As long as she keeps that disgusting mouth closed so we don’t sniff the malodorous scent of rotten and decaying teeth.

Meth mouth? Coke mouth,? Too drunk before bed to brush and floss? Yes, yes and yes.

But let’s cut the Lohan some slack, after all, she’s 25. When you get to that age, your body just can’t keep up like it used to.

Meth Mouth: Smile for the camera, Former Mean Girls Star

Wow, that was uncalled for. Really, she’s high as the moon as this is written, but those aren’t really her teeth. Yet. But I’m sorry for, you know, breaking the mood. Let me try once more to ring the bells of seduction…


Young, pretty, and good oral care: Previously on the Life of Lohan

Wiped out, ragged, nicotine stained, bad breath: Tonight’s episode.

Yeah, I just couldn’t do it, not with Halloween approaching. Everyone gets a good scare, like when personal choices come back to bite your ass.

But I know what you want. You want eroticism. Let’s dig on some Lindsay Lohan Lesbian photos, say what!

I think I just made myself sick. Like I said, personal choices come back to get you, I made the personal choice to be funny, and now I just threw up.

Lindsay’s mom doesn’t like ugly lesbians

Repent:

The Lo with her now girlfriend Indrani (of the one name only because you should know who we’re talking about club), who The Lo denies sleeping with, while Indrani (you know her) states “We’re in a long-term lesbian affair.”

Long-term Lesbian Lohan

Thanks, “I,” for making that crystal clear. And for trying to erase the image of Samantha Ronson from our heads. Although that’s pretty much impossible.

Hey Moe: I’m in your brain.

You can see that news reporting is tough. So to soften the blow, let’s post a few innocent pix of the Lo, no rude surprises. Here’s one of Lindsay in a stolen fur coat:

Here are some from Paris, threatening to jump from a balcony because she still hangs out with ugly lesbian chicks in stupid hats:

Look everyone, I’m with Lindsay Lohan! My name is (unintelligible and nobody cares)

Bring us beer and stupid hats

"I forgot to wear a bra again while out shopping in my blue hat," Lindsay says.

Really, Imageshack? Really? You deleted it? So I had to move it to Photobucket and password protect it with the super secret password of Lindsay? And don't forget to capitalize the L?